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Is there a difference? Tears cried alone vs tears cried together.

Wow. It has been a hot minute since I sat down to write a blog post. The seasons are changing in my world, and I have found it difficult to juggle all of the hats I have had to juggle this past year. Running a business, raising two kiddos, and working through a masters degree, all while enduring a global pandemic has been a struggle! But alas, I have found some time, some quiet space, and some thoughts to share with the world. 

In the last two calls I had with families the parents asked this question… 

Is there a difference between tears cried together, and tears cried alone?

If my baby is going to cry regardless of if they’re in my arms, in my presence, or alone in their bed, what difference does it make? Perhaps it would be easier on everyone if we just put our baby in their bed and let them cry it out, right? 

Wrong, friends. Wrong. 

There is a difference. Allow me to explain. 

Babies are born relationship seeking, and attachment seeking. They enter the world with a very  underdeveloped brain, and therefore rely on their reptilian brain (or senses) to help them navigate the world. When they are cold, they cry. When they are hungry, they cry. When they are tired, they cry. 

The tears our little ones cry are designed to establish relationships with the adults in their world who are meant to keep them safe.

The tears do not manipulate. Small babies are incapable of manipulation. When a baby’s cries are responded to by an attuned caregiver, their nervous system returns to a place of homeostasis, and their body and brain relax. The parent is called upon to help the child co-regulate, so that they can down-regulate, and this is something children are incapable of doing SOLO because their neocortex is so underdeveloped. 

When a relationship happens as a result of tears being shed, the child learns they are safe.

Through establishing safety here, a secure attachment begins to form. Giving our children a safe and secure place to land is important for their future mental health, and it begins to be established here in infancy through tears cried at bedtime or in the middle of the night. 

There is a saying in the child development world; neurons that fire together, wire together. When tears are responded to and the parasympathetic nervous system activated in the child, the relationship between parent and child is actually enhanced.

Therefore, tears attended to are NOT for nothing, they are for something.. And that something is relationship, attachment security, and a regulated nervous system. 

Even if the tears do not stop in arms, the child knows you are there and you are trying to help. Interoception is the way we sense and feel things in our body. Interoception affects our procedural memory, and it is in place from the beginning of a child’s life. If a caregiver picks up on the baby’s cues, and the baby is attended to, the baby’s interoception will continue to develop in a healthy way, and this is important. We want this to happen! 

So what happens when a child cries tears in isolation? Let’s talk about it a little bit… This is not meant to guilt or shame, but I think it is fair that parents who are considering leaving their child alone to cry in the name of sleep have an understanding of what takes place in the child’s brain, nervous system, and attachment relationship. 

Because children are born attachment and relationship seeking at all costs, they will do anything to re-establish relationship when they are feeling threatened. 

Let’s think about this by looking at something a slightly older child might do. Say a preschooler is crying because they are feeling sadness. They go to their “big person”, and the big person tells them to, “be a good kiddo and stop crying”. What has the child learned in this moment? 

  1. To be in a relationship with this important big person, I have to quiet my tears. 
  2. To be a good kid, I have to push away my sadness. 
  3. Tears are not an appropriate response when I am feeling sad.
  4. Attaching to the caregiver is SO important, and in order for this to happen I must detach from the feelings I know to be true in myself. 

Now, any logical person reading this will say – but tears are an appropriate response when you  are feeling sad. But ask yourself, is this what the child has learned? They have learned that they cannot trust the response their nervous system is providing, and feel the feeling they truly have  if they wish to maintain in relationship with this important big person. As a result the nervous system remains activated; typically in a fight, flight, or freeze, state. Or the child will move to a collapse response.. Whereby they have accepted their fate and modify their response to comply with the threat. Pre-verbal infants, young toddlers, and preschoolers, will not be able to articulate their feelings of threat verbally, and so.. They will cry, until they don’t. 

A quiet child is not necessarily a regulated child. 

There is evidence to suggest that a child’s sympathetic nervous system, the one that prepares us for fight or flight, remains activated long after they have stopped crying in isolation. This energy does remain in the body until it is expended. 

Our basic sense of safety begins with interoception. It is impossible to feel safe when a basic need, such as the one for connection, is not met. If our interoception is tweaked in infancy and childhood, it can lead us to false interpretations such as; perceiving danger to be present, when it is not there. When our instincts lead us astray, our nervous system may be impacted and emotional dysregulation may take place as a result. 

Together, our brain, body, and emotions work to help our nervous system function, and our nervous system plays a big part in how we understand our world and move through our emotions. 

Being with your child in their sadness IS a positive thing. It can strengthen relationship, it can strengthen attachment, and it honours the cues the nervous system is sending and helps model future skills for emotional regulation. 

If you are reading this, and you are feeling guilt, shame, or fear because you have already let your child cry-it-out, I have a few ideas for you as well. I was in this boat, and I felt guilty for many years after acquiring the knowledge I have today. But in my guilt, I learned… 

  1. It is never TOO late to have a healthy childhood, your actions today in attuning to what your child needs to feel safe will help repair the rupture if one has taken place. 
  2. Attachment is malleable through the lifespan, and there is evidence to suggest more attachment security will form once a safe relationship is established. 
  3. Think about how many times your child cried in isolation, and then think of how many times you actually responded with loving attunement →  I am sure you did far more of the latter, and that has likely already helped to repair some of what has taken place. 
  4. Feel your feelings about this.. Your sadness, your despair, your regret, if you have any. Because only through feeling your own feelings can you truly put them behind you, move beyond them, and put them at rest. 

I know this is a heavy topic, and honestly it is one that many folks don’t want to hear. But, I hope if you have found this today it was meant for you, and it will set you on a journey that leads to increased understanding, self-love, and compassion for one’s own self, and being present for  your crying baby. 

XO

Lara 

 

 

 

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Can you train a baby to sleep? Should you?

I always like to dive into topics that are constantly on my mind, but might be a bit controversial too. Maybe I’m bored. Ha! Not trying to stir the pot. But, if no one talks about this stuff… how will we ever make change? Am I right?

In the mom world we know the question is always – to sleep train, or not to sleep train?

Sleep is a normal biological function. We are all born with the ability to fall asleep, and stay asleep. Although when it comes to babies, it doesn’t always feel this way. And truthfully, sometimes in an attempt to “help” our babies sleep, we take away some of this natural ability from them. Oops!

Sleep is something that DOES mature over time. An adult’s sleep cycles are different from that of a newborn baby. And a newborn baby’s sleep cycles will differ from their 6 month old little buddy.

Newborn babies sleep very lightly, and very erratically, for good reason. They have to be able to come out of sleep quickly and easily. They are designed to survive the first year of their lives at all costs, and for this reason, nature made their sleep super eventful, and far less peaceful than an older child’s will be.

With every week that passes, every month that passes, a child’s sleep matures. Sleep IS largely a developmental milestone. Sure, there are things we can do to hurry it along. And sleep training is one of those things. Heck! The sleep coaching I do is also one of those things and I would not consider it sleep training. But for the most part, every family will have a child who sleeps through the night before their 5th birthday, regardless of any sleep training, coaching, or shaping that is done.

And even then – if you take one baby of one particular age, and compare it to a baby of the exact same developmental age and stage, their sleep would be much like comparing apples to watermelons. Sure, they’re both fruit! But, in my mind, they are entirely different. And no two babies will ever sleep the exact same. Sleep training or not.

So.. if sleep is a normal biological function.. Can you train a baby to sleep?

I suppose the answer to this question is… yes. Sleep is the outcome of most traditional forms of “sleep training”, but what exactly was achieved through that training process is highly debated.

When you “sleep train” a baby, you are often asked to do things that feel pretty unnatural. Ignore your baby’s cry, don’t touch them, or pick them up, or offer them a sip of water. You are training them for a half marathon after-all! Oh no wait.. Sorry.. We are training them to sleep in their beds, without physical human contact or connection, for 11 – 12 hours. Are they actually sleeping that whole time? Good question! Studies have actually shown that babies who are “sleep trained” wake up the same number of times per night as their non sleep trained counterparts, but they no longer signal for attention. This might be because they have learned to put themselves back to sleep, or it might be because they have learned no one is coming. It really depends what was done or not done in achieving the returning to sleep part of the sleep training. 

I think of us as in a relationship with our children for a lifetime – 24 hours a day, 7 days per week. So I do worry about what happens to that relationship when a child’s physical and emotional needs are largely ignored overnight.

Now, I will say.. I am not “anti” sleep training. I personally do not subscribe to any kind of controlled crying or ferber sleep training. You can read my personal story of why I don’t use controlled crying here, if you are curious. I will say I definitely used to “dabble” in these methods – but realized they were not for me a little more than a year ago.

But I think the more important question here is; should you sleep train your baby?

I do believe it is important, as parents.. That we always put the “oxygen mask” on ourselves first. If you are suffering so greatly from sleep deprivation – perhaps sleep training is the right answer for you. But, I would ask you to explore a few other options as well.

Might there be another way to reach your goals, without changing the way your child sleeps? Might there be another way to change the way your child sleeps, without any formal sleep training?

  • Is your partner helping you with the responsibility of putting baby to bed?
  • Do you have support during the day?
  • Are you chatting with a diverse group of parents each day? Not just those who sleep train, OR those who don’t?
  • Have you spoken to your doctor about your sleep concerns?
  • Are you trading off with your partner in the middle of the night to both get some rest?

In a previous blog post I talked a bit about sleep personalities. Just like you and your partner likely have different sleep habits, and personalities, our babies do as well. And if you’re interested in reading more about sleep personalities, check that one out here.

But I think the thing I find the MOST interesting about baby sleep is… how impatient we can be in waiting for our children to sleep through the night.

You wouldn’t be upset with your baby if they didn’t crawl by the time they were 9 months, would you? Would you be frustrated if your child took til 17 months to walk? What if they hadn’t babbled their first word before age 1?

We are SO patient as parents in waiting for all of these other developmental milestones to occur.

We know our children need to put the building blocks of these skills together. Their little brains are firing so many synapses! Their muscles are growing and strengthening, and eventually they will get there. But with sleep – we just can’t wait! And I know it might sound contrary to what I do for a living that I am proposing that we wait to see this milestone happen too.

Aren’t you a sleep trainer, Lara?

No. Actually I am not. Have I wrote a blog post on that one yet? Haha. I feel like I did once upon a time. 

I want families to know that there are alternatives to sleep training. That sometimes the resolution to your child’s very sleep “issue” is within you to discover, and it might be very unique. If you’d like some examples of things I might do to help a family achieve more sleep, check this post out here. 

But, sometimes the answer truly is – more time. And please, no sleep training of babies younger than 6 months of age at the very least. They are just not ready for the “push” that will accompany any form of sleep training, shaping, or coaching. 

If you want help to explore the other options that exist – book a discovery call with me. It is an opportunity for us to get to know each other better, and see if I am part of the solution you are seeking. 

Ultimately, please know you are doing the best you can with the tools you’ve got at this particular time. And really, that is okay! This post is not meant to guilt or shame anyone – just hoping we might all take a little look and see things a bit differently than perhaps we normally do. 

XO

Lara

Thank you as always to Stacie-Lynn Photography for this beautiful photo… interestingly, the mama here, Karly, is a talented mama and the owner of Mully’s Handcrafted. 🙂